I just realized it’s been several months since I’ve blogged on here. Well lo and behold, here we are in 2021. The old has passed, the new has come. What was placed in my heart this morning is to write about perspectives in step-parenting. Many people do not like the word, “step.” There are many stigmas to the following words: stepfamily, stepdad, stepmom, stepchild, etc. The new term on the block is “blended family” or “bonus-(fill in the blank).” I’m here to share my personal perspective. As with everything, take it or leave it, receive it or reject it. Everyone has their own experience, this is mine, whether you “agree,” like it or not.
In a nutshell, I grew up in a two parent, married household. I never met my biological father. My mother re-married when I was 2 years old, and thus my “step” father stepped in and became my dad. I call him dad, or “papi” since that’s what we do in Puerto Rico and what was taught to me. He’s my dad, I love him. All is well.
Fast forward now in my adult years. I married my husband who has two daughters from a previous unmarried relationship. I have taken on his two girls as my own, however unlike my situation growing up, they have a biological mom that is in their lives . They live with her full time, and we see the girls every other weekend and on holidays and school breaks. This is what is in our court-ordered parenting plan, and we have chosen to adhere to this written plan for accountability and consistency purposes. When there is not a clear, written plan in place, much chaos ensues. So for the safety of all parties, we stay on the straight and narrow.
There are times when we’ve been out and about together and people refer to me as the girls mom, which is fine. I do not correct people in public, because I don’t want things to be awkward. However, the truth of the matter is, I am not their mom… they know it, I know it, we all know it. Now, please hear me out. I love these girls AS IF they were my daughters. I do all the things a mom would do when they are in my care.. make sure they have clothes, food, provide a safe place for them, am concerned about their education, their activities, discipline when necessary, talk to them about wise choices, friendships, their relationship with God, take them to church, celebrate their victories, encourage them when they fall, pray for them daily, etc. Sometimes we argue and get mad, sometimes we laugh and have fun. All normal things. However, for me to insert myself into their lives and declare, “I am your mom,” in my opinion is not healthy. They have a mom. No one can ever replace her, she gave birth to them, there is a bond there that will always be. I respect this. Do I agree with some things that happen sometimes? No. Is it my place to butt in? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
I have realized that my role as a step-parent is not to place demands, but to come alongside my husband as he navigates co-parenting with his ex when the girls are away, as he steers the ship with me when they are with us, offer positive suggestions to their mom about healthy parenting choices that will help them thrive, and make myself available when they are in my care. Another very important role as a step-parent, weekend parent or for all parents is to always forgive and let things go. It is very easy to go into “blame” mode or “what if” mode. For example, “IF they were with us full time, things would be so much better!” OR “That would NEVER happen in our house.” Whether these claims are justified, correct or not, these thought processes are are not right and must be extinguished immediately. Honestly, I do not know how people that don’t have Jesus in their lives do it. If it wasn’t for God, my husband and I would not survive. We would be another statistic, another torn-apart broken family. However, with God, ALL things are possible. When the enemy tries to attack, we stand firm in our faith. We pray together, stay in unity, and do not waver. Some days are amazing, some days are hard.. such is life.
To all step-parents out there… stop trying to fit yourself in a box, you will most likely never fit in. Don’t beat yourself up when things don’t work out as planned or feel like you’re not “doing enough.” Be flexible, be available. Realize that it’s a step-by-step process. Sometimes we have to step up and be there. Sometimes we have to step back, keep quiet, and let things be handled by the bio parents. Sometimes we have to step in and intercede. Sometimes, we have to step out of the way, pray and trust in God.
Much love & many blessings on your journey. ❤
savor with me 